Wandering Eyes

by | May 28, 2009

Lately I’ve been writing a book on how pornography kills sex to answer the claim that porn is fine and it enhances one’s sexual life and if you don’t think so you are a fuddy-duddy.  So when I read a verse like the one above I’m drawn to how many of us embrace the values […]

Lately I’ve been writing a book on how pornography kills sex to answer the claim that porn is fine and it enhances one’s sexual life and if you don’t think so you are a fuddy-duddy.  So when I read a verse like the one above I’m drawn to how many of us embrace the values of pornography and then wonder why our marriages are in shambles.  The message of pornography and society in general is that “boundaries are bad.”  The message of your marriage vow is that the boundary around you and your husband or wife is good.  It can’t be both.  Is the boundary around your marriage a good thing or a bad thing?

These two conflicting thoughts create a bifurcated mind.  On the one hand we promise our spouse to be faithful till death us do part.  On the other hand pornography screams “do whatever you want.”  The nurse is doing it with the patient; the patient with the doctor, the doctor with several patients and later with the nurse and the patient.  This is all good fun and everyone is just having a great ol’ time.  It’s just pleasure.  It doesn’t matter with whom.  Sex for it’s own sake is fun.  The more the merrier.  You need variety.  Without variety your sex life will die.  If you are sexual with just one person you are really missing out.  There’s so much more out there.  Go for all the gusto.  Grab all you can while you can ‘cuz you only go around once, you know.

If you plant these seeds in your brain, eventually they are going to grow.  These are weeds you don’t want in your heart because they will choke out love and tenderness and connection and conversation.  The Apostle Paul writes that “Love does not seek it’s own.”  Porn declares that “selfishness is in as long as you don’t hurt anybody.”

It’s not really possible to do porn and not hurt anybody.  The lion’s share of porn “stars” were sexually abused as children and are living out their trauma now in front of the camera being sexually abused right now by their fellow “actors” and directors.  The guy behind the camera, the guy directing the camera, the person watching what the camera captures, the distributor who sells what the camera reveals, the person paying for it, the person observing it, the spouse discovering her spouse is devouring it, the child that happens upon dad’s stash, the neighbor kid who’s shown it by the child who finds it all suffer.  Nothing good comes of it.  In this chain of events the next victim, if he or she is not careful, becomes the next perp.  The whole thing is one big blood sucker, but pretty soon there is no blood left.  Just dry bones and skeletons.  This is one place where the Bible and pornography agree.  The Bible says:

Their hearts were deceptively wicked.

And porn ascents and then adds

And ain’t that a good thing?  The wickeder the better.  Wicked is the new nice.

I don’t see the up side to this.  I see the unglamorous side in my office.  It isn’t pretty.  People aren’t stopping in to give me a sales pitch on how porn has blessed their lives.  Just wanted you to know, Dr. Wall.  Hardly.  Here’s just a smattering:

-people who enjoy porn frequently act out, such as with affairs or prostitution
-it’s very shameful, so the people who do it lie and sneak around and hide stuff
-it’s very expensive and not having self-control on lust leads to not having self-control in other areas, such as money or diet
-it leads to a very boring sex life with their spouse.  Who can compete with the porn star?  Instead of making sexuality more dynamic and fun it creates expectations that can never be fulfilled.  Discontent is the norm.  There is never enough.
-when their spouses find out they are devastated.  They say: I don’t look like that.  I don’t want to look like that.  This is what you want?  I’m not good enough for you?

Hey, this stuff is poison and it’s rotted the minds of our generation.  Its fighting for your mind and telling you your marriage vows don’t mean anything.  Rid your life of this crap.  Focus instead on your spouse.  Keep your eyes straight ahead.  Don’t look to the right or the left.  It’s worth it.  There’s a prize out there called contentment, faithfulness, integrity, honesty.  I know that sounds boring.  But in this case, boring is good.

 

Dr. Bing Wall

Dr. Bing Wall

Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa. To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.

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