Lately I’ve been writing a book on how pornography kills sex to answer the claim that porn is fine and it enhances one’s sexual life and if you don’t think so you are a fuddy-duddy. So when I read a verse like the one above I’m drawn to how many of us embrace the values of pornography and then wonder why our marriages are in shambles. The message of pornography and society in general is that “boundaries are bad.” The message of your marriage vow is that the boundary around you and your husband or wife is good. It can’t be both. Is the boundary around your marriage a good thing or a bad thing?
These two conflicting thoughts create a bifurcated mind. On the one hand we promise our spouse to be faithful till death us do part. On the other hand pornography screams “do whatever you want.” The nurse is doing it with the patient; the patient with the doctor, the doctor with several patients and later with the nurse and the patient. This is all good fun and everyone is just having a great ol’ time. It’s just pleasure. It doesn’t matter with whom. Sex for it’s own sake is fun. The more the merrier. You need variety. Without variety your sex life will die. If you are sexual with just one person you are really missing out. There’s so much more out there. Go for all the gusto. Grab all you can while you can ‘cuz you only go around once, you know.
If you plant these seeds in your brain, eventually they are going to grow. These are weeds you don’t want in your heart because they will choke out love and tenderness and connection and conversation. The Apostle Paul writes that “Love does not seek it’s own.” Porn declares that “selfishness is in as long as you don’t hurt anybody.”
It’s not really possible to do porn and not hurt anybody. The lion’s share of porn “stars” were sexually abused as children and are living out their trauma now in front of the camera being sexually abused right now by their fellow “actors” and directors. The guy behind the camera, the guy directing the camera, the person watching what the camera captures, the distributor who sells what the camera reveals, the person paying for it, the person observing it, the spouse discovering her spouse is devouring it, the child that happens upon dad’s stash, the neighbor kid who’s shown it by the child who finds it all suffer. Nothing good comes of it. In this chain of events the next victim, if he or she is not careful, becomes the next perp. The whole thing is one big blood sucker, but pretty soon there is no blood left. Just dry bones and skeletons. This is one place where the Bible and pornography agree. The Bible says:
Their hearts were deceptively wicked.
And porn ascents and then adds
And ain’t that a good thing? The wickeder the better. Wicked is the new nice.
I don’t see the up side to this. I see the unglamorous side in my office. It isn’t pretty. People aren’t stopping in to give me a sales pitch on how porn has blessed their lives. Just wanted you to know, Dr. Wall. Hardly. Here’s just a smattering:
-people who enjoy porn frequently act out, such as with affairs or prostitution
-it’s very shameful, so the people who do it lie and sneak around and hide stuff
-it’s very expensive and not having self-control on lust leads to not having self-control in other areas, such as money or diet
-it leads to a very boring sex life with their spouse. Who can compete with the porn star? Instead of making sexuality more dynamic and fun it creates expectations that can never be fulfilled. Discontent is the norm. There is never enough.
-when their spouses find out they are devastated. They say: I don’t look like that. I don’t want to look like that. This is what you want? I’m not good enough for you?
Hey, this stuff is poison and it’s rotted the minds of our generation. Its fighting for your mind and telling you your marriage vows don’t mean anything. Rid your life of this crap. Focus instead on your spouse. Keep your eyes straight ahead. Don’t look to the right or the left. It’s worth it. There’s a prize out there called contentment, faithfulness, integrity, honesty. I know that sounds boring. But in this case, boring is good.
1 male married to 1 female = 1 male married to 1 male = 1 female married to 1 female
The Iowa Supreme Court has declared that morality does not exist, as we know it; morality is only simple math:
1 +1 = 1 +1 = 1+1
Now let’s assume for a moment that the Bible REALLY is the Word of the LORD and that it has GOD’s standards and it’s not just a bunch of stuff made up by some goofy people who were sick of sacrificing their children to imaginary gods and having the adult men sodomize their 8 year old boys at the pagan temple. Let’s imagine that God really did tell Moses the 10 Commandments and that when Adam woke up with a sore side that morning and here was the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen by his side and his heart went into overdrive and that after that moment God said:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
And let’s imagine that Jesus really said it and that he wasn’t just a nice guy, but the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and he really did make the universe and he really did die to make men whole and he really did rise from the dead and he really is coming back someday and that he really will judge the world and that the Apostle Paul really did say the same thing and that this statement isn’t made up or folk lore or the combined wisdom of a certain particular people but that it is really TRUE. What if it is really TRUE? What if it’s not man-made? What if there REALLY is right or wrong? And what if, when the Bible says:
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Or when Paul writes:
Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
he wasn’t just blowing smoke and trying to take our fun away. What if? What is the math then?
1 man married to 1 woman = undefiled, blessing, a good thing, love, respect, children, family, a populated world, society, people, community, a future
1 man married to 1 man OR 1 woman married to one woman = spiritual bondage, due penalty, ahhh, not inherit the kingdom of God
I didn’t make this up.
I just asked you to IMAGINE that it was true, just like the Iowa Supreme Court asks us to imagine that it is not true, that the Iowa Supreme Court can declare that evil is good.
So here’s the deal.
Even though my blog says “amescounselingcenter.com/blog,” that doesn’t mean I’m talking about homosexual couples. I’m addressing married couple concerns. If you are a man and a woman and are cohabiting I’m addressing your concerns as well. I’m hoping over time you can come to your senses and publicly commit to your girl or boyfriend and make both of you honest and loyal till death us do part. Marriage won’t solve all your problems, but it’ll make you honest and kick up the faithfulness factor and reduce the violence and affairs and increase the desirability of sexuality and lower the risk of child sexual abuse and knock down the fighting rate between you and increase your sense of future and help you deal with money better. You will still have problems but marriage takes away doubts and fears in these areas and puts things on an even playing field. I won’t pressure you to get married. I’m already viewing you as married. I’ll just try to help you trust each other enough so that you can believe it and if you can believe it you can live it and that would be a good thing from where I’m sitting.
But don’t come to me if you want to be a better homosexual couple, male or female. I won’t help you be a better same-sex couple. If either of you want to come to see me alone to learn how to get out of bondage, I’d be happy to work with you on that, but I won’t help you have a better “marriage” anymore than I would help:
-An adulterer have a better affair while she’s cheating on her husband
-A wife beater be a better wife beater or help his wife accept it as fine
-A person enraptured with pornography do porn better and use me to convince his wife that it is helpful and good and she just needs to quit being so judgmental
-An alcoholic be a better drunk and help her husband accept it
-A drug addict be a better drug addict and help his wife come to grips
-A cross-dresser’s wife learn to appreciated this secret part of her husband’s life, that it is normal and can be a blessing in their marriage
-An S/M leaning husband wanting me to talk his wife into it
-A husband who wants to swing use me to convince his wife that this is a good idea
-A child molester figure out how to do it better
Nor will I help the children of these folk accept their parents’ proclivity as normal, acceptable and NOT a violation.
Sorry. I won’t do it. I won’t do what Isaiah warns:
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
I’ll only help you OUT of it. If you’d like to figure out how to NOT be in bondage, I’m your guy.
And if your parents have broken their wedding vows by having affairs or lived in homosexual spiritual hell or sexually abused you for their own pleasure or were addicted to alcohol or drugs or pornography or gambling or violence I will confirm to the children of these people that they SHOULD feel hurt, violated, upset, angry, sad and even if their parents’ repent and turn from their wicked ways (do I dare use the word “wicked” in 21st Century America? I’m really stretching it here.) and don’t adulaterize or homosexualize or sexually abusize anymore, there will be months, perhaps years, no doubt, of hurt because these things are WRONG!!!!
I’m not switching my views just because the Iowa Supreme Court declares:
Let us do evil that good may result.
Of course, I run the risk of some heat here. As soon as you say, in our society (or any for that matter) that there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed and that marriage (between a husband and wife!!!!! I have to define this NOW!!!! This is just NUTS!) is HOLY (!!!) you run the risk of being the scorn of the world:
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you.
But maybe there are some out there who will take heed and understand and grow and remove the shackles of slavery from their spiritually darkened hearts for:
It is better to heed a wise man’s rebuke than to listen to the song of fools.
Where will this people go?
The judges shout “evil is good!”
The people bow in praise
At body parts in sewer pipes:
Boundaries are bad
Darkness is light
Wrong is right
Disagree and you are persecuted
Let the light of darkness shine down halls of shame.
There is no shame.
There is no wrong.
Only me, my, mine
Accept me in my degradation
Honor me as I live for myself.
But, Dad, what about mom?
What about me and my brother?
You’re leaving us for him?
Oh, my son. I must actualize.
I must pursue my dream.
This is who I am.
You can’t change who you are.
Responsibility be damned.
Honor and loyalty be scorned.
I must. I must. I must.
I must follow my feelings.
Feelings are the new god.
Orgasmic delights. It matters not with whom!!!!
But, Dad, what about my feelings?
My feelings tell me this is wrong.
My feelings tell me you are out of your mind.
My feelings tell me you will destroy the family
(from the lips of babes).
I don’t want your whatever-you-call-him at my soccer game.
I feel, too.
Oh, my son. Don’t you see?
My feelings are legitimate.
Yours are not.
The litmus test for feelings is what I want, not what you want.
I can’t let you, my son, get between me and my feelings.
Didn’t I tell you?
There is NO right and wrong!!
If your feelings tell you that my pursuit of happiness
And authenticity is amiss,
Then your feelings are mistaken!!
If your feelings tell you there is a violation
Then your feelings are defective!
The only absolute is that there is no evil!
The only evil is telling me that I am wrong.
So, please, do not feel violated.
And if you do, you are at fault for rejecting me for pursuing my
But, Dad, your freedom is a curse for me.
How can I make choices in my life, if you do not guide me?
How can I sleep at night knowing what you are doing with that
Whatever-you-call-him in the other room?
I’m creeped out totally.
I’m having nightmares.
I don’t want to come home.
My innards are all in a knot.
I haven’t slept a wink since you announced this.
I feel like I don’t want to ever talk to you again.
NO! NO! NO! I won’t call him dad.
I can’t call you dad anymore, either.
This isn’t what dads do.
I’m sure that this is not what dads were meant to do.
Quit persecuting me!!!
You ungrateful child!
You judge me! Ha!
My feelings are right.
Your feelings are wrong.
You must repent of your bigotry!
(If you disagree with me on this, you are a bigot and bigotry of me is definitely wrong!)