But I suppose the reason I subscribe to common sense is because it’s just kind of easy to accept the obvious.
So here is an obvious truth: The more selfish you’re in your marriage, the more your marriage is going to suck.
Likewise, the more unselfish you’re in your marriage, the more you marriage is not going to suck.
Unfortunately, many of us simply don’t act upon this common sense truth. We prefer to live in a perpetual state of suckiness because the thought of actually not being selfish seems unjust. The natural law of fairness seems to teach us that the more selfish our spouses are, the more selfish we are allowed to be.
And now justified, we take full advantage of the opportunity. We begin to act like children screaming ‘MINE!’ We tattle tale on our spouses to our family and friends. We scratch and bit back (hopefully only figuratively) because we were scratched and bitten. And just like children, we self-righteously assert, ‘Billy did it first.’
Congratulations! We have successfully justified acting like children.
This is just nonsense—not common sense. Common sense compels parents to teach their children how to rise above the occasion. I am sure some children psychologist would object, but most of us say to our children, ‘you know better,’ ‘you’re older then that,’ ‘stop complaining,’ ‘act your age,’ ‘it’s never O.K. to hit back’, or something of that sort.
Here is my suggestion for you today: If you want an ‘easy peasy marriage,’ then take your own advice to your children and knock it off.
Even kids understand this. How many of us have told our kids to go apologize? What normally is their reaction? They look down, speak softly, put their hand in their mouth, or, if they are like my boy, just says sorry really fast and proceeds kicking the ball, while the child he hurt is still lying on the ground crying.
For good parents, this is where we step in. We tell them to look up, speak louder, take their hands out of their month, and at lest attempt to mean it. We do this because we understand as parents that cultivating character in our children is important.
This type of training is important but has limits. What is also needed is for them to see humility and remorse in those that they look up to—i.e., you.
That’s right. If you want your children to learn how to say sorry and really mean it, then you are going to have to model it for them. And one of the ways to model humility and remorse is by you saying sorry to them when you’ve wronged them.
Here are 9 things your children learn when you say sorry:
1) That adults make mistakes
2) There is a standard of morality above adults (you are also held accountable)
3) Teaches them to own up to their faults
4) Teaches them the way to say sorry
5) Teach them that authority can’t do whatever they please—i.e., might doesn’t equal right
6) Models humility to them
7) Teaches them not to cover up their wrong doings
8) Teaches them to not be stubborn when wrong
9) Teaches them how to forgive
So here’s the question that you need to ask yourself: when is the last time you apologized to your kids? And by the way, buying or spoiling your kids after you do something wrong is not an apology. You’re just teaching your children they can be bought. Saying you’re sorry is an apology. It’s fine to take your children out for ice cream, but first say your sorry and reconcile with them. Then ice cream is a joy you both can partake in.
It doesn’t matter the age either. Saying sorry to a teenager teaches him or her that adults are not necessarily hypocrites.
Did you yell when you didn’t have too? Apologize.
Where you too harsh? Apologize.
Where you lazy today and ignored your kids? Apologize.
Did you not follow through with a promise? Apologize.
We all want our kids to be humble and empathic to others. Start modeling this behavior yourself.
But, I think I might have been slightly wrong. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not down playing any of the above mentioned ‘colors,’ but I think we are headed for some troubling times—and this is certainly not to be apocalyptic.
I think this because HuffingtonPost, Fox News, and News.com are all reporting that some experts are now saying by 2050 ‘sex robots will revolutionize sex tourism.’ One export said ‘robots would become so human-like in appearance, function and personality that many people would fall in love with them, have sex with them, and even marry them.’
That’s right; you heard it. Personal sex robots are on their way to a local market near you. Maybe, if technology advances the way it is, we will only have to wait until 2015!
I can already see the advertisements:
Not satisfied with your current sex life? Don’t worry about it; soon you can buy or even ‘rent’ a new ‘lover.’ Are you sick of having pillow talk? Don’t worry about it; soon you can program your ‘lover’ to say or NOT say what you want. Worried about having a baby? Don’t worry about it; soon your lifeless ‘lover’ will be unable to procreate. Worried about catching a STD? Don’t worry about it; soon your ‘spouse’ will be sanitizable. As one expert says, “all androids are made of bacteria-resistant fiber … guaranteeing no sexually transmitted diseases are transferred between consumers.’ Are you worried that people will think you are a nerd? Don’t worry about it; soon Cosmo’s front cover will read ‘had sex with a robot and it was great!’ If Cosmo says so, having sex with a robot has to be cool.
Worried? Don’t be; the experts say that ‘the lifelike sex robots would offer people a guilt-free sexual experience.’ Finally, guilt free sex! But that’s not all folks. Even better, you can have sex with a robot programed to ‘like you’ and have a ‘similar personality’ as you, which the experts say is essential for marriage.
Can I just say it?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?
Have we become so corrupt that we can’t see the insanity here? Good is evil and the evil is good. We have taken a personal-affirming, life-giving act between a husband and wife and thrown it into the gutter. I am sorry my friends, but this is just perversion at its height—the finial stroke on the Sexual Revolution’s canvas.
Now you might be has grossed out by this as I am (I am not even enjoying writing this). But don’t fool yourself because you might have already unknowingly accepted the premise/s justifying the existence of sex robots.
You see, when asked about what is driving the demand, some experts say, ‘concern over human trafficking, sexual transmitted diseases, beauty and physical perfection, pleasure from sex toys, emotional connection to robots, and the importance of sex . . . are all driving forces.’
Now, let’s do a few thought experiments to see where you are.
Do you find yourself fantasizing and wishing your spouse could be more beautiful? If yes, are you willing to (or wish you could or idolize those who can) spend loads of money on plastic surgery to insure your spouse looks like a plastic doll? Oh no, here they come.
Do you find yourself preferring a sex toy to your spouse? Are you always needing some new sex toy to spice up your sex life? Why not add another one?
Are you attached to your sex toys such that ‘you can’t live without them,’ as one woman I read said? Well, a robotic man will ‘always be there for you.’ Right?
Is sex just sex to you? Is it just some physical stimulation to distract you? Do you really see no meaning underlining the act? Is orgasm so important to you that you’re willing to self-masturbate yourself to sleep? Why not a sex robot? You can program it to sing you a lullaby: ‘Hush little man-child (women-child) you’re not a pervert . . . ‘
Do you think a moral way to solve the humanitarian concern over human trafficking and sexual transmitted diseases is to give perverts a sex robot? I know, this seems insane, but I have to ask it. One only needs to read Elizabeth Kolbert’s ‘The Case Against Kids‘ to see how horribly pragmatic we have become as a culture. The temptation for many of us is to allow some evil that good may come about. We all want human trafficking and sexual transmitted diseases to forever go away. But a good end can never justify a evil means. If you are tempted to think like this, then you have already implicitly accepted the validity of the sex robot existence–even if you find the idea repulsive.
Don’t you see it my friends? Many of you have already accepted the existence of a sex robot without even knowing it. Your desires speak loader than words.
If you want a great sex life with your husband or wife get this CRAP out of your marriage bed. Sex is about a husband and wife truly giving themselves to another. A fundamental aspect of our existence is that we are wired to give ourselves as gifts. That is why it is better to give than to receive. You can’t give yourself to a robot; no matter how great the programming is.
Self-absorption is never satisfying. The more you focus on yourself and what you can get, the more frustrated you will become. It always has and always will.
So, do you want some advice on how to ‘spice up’ your sex life with your married spouse? Stop using your spouse to self-masturbate and focus on loving him/her. Focus on serving him/her. Focus on just being with him/her. He is your husband; she is your wife.
Orgasm is not the end; it’s just the fruit.
For you, the end is your spouse; for your spouse, the end is you. Such a communion of persons results in a beautiful expression of life: a child–our culture’s hidden art piece.
The Sexual Revolution told you sex is all about you. And now it can be all about you—you and your programed robot. Such a combination can only result in a hideous expression of death: a narcissistic-self– our culture’s visible disaster-piece.
Ready to be a better husband; ready to be a better wife; ready to be a better person. You feel great, confident, and hopeful for the future. Nothing is going to get in your way now. Right?
Here’s the problem.
These positive emotions will soon dissipate, the motivation will fade, sluggishness will want to settle in again, and before you know it, you are right back in the darkness you came from. So, what will you do? You will buy another book, find a different blog site, and listen to a different therapist. Perhaps they will have the answer? And on and on this pattern will go.
Is there any hope? Yes. The hope lies in you slowing down and understanding how personal growth and how a good marriage develops. Your character and your marriage are not going to change overnight, for character and a good marriage is like a good ale, it needs time to brew.
So, here is the first thing you need to understand about personal and marital growth: Expect down times soon and have a plan to combat it.
I’ve seen and experienced this a hundred times. Why do the majority of people fail in fulfilling their New Year resolutions? They start off so gung ho and within a week or a month they have failed. The answer is many of them did not push past the first down time. They get slothful and make excuses why they can’t fulfill their resolutions: ‘I’ve been good, so I desire this’ is the line often heard or said. But if you expect down time and have a plan to combat it, then you are more likely to push past it and on your way to a more fulfilling life and marriage.
This notion of ‘having a plan’ is key to winning in your personal and marriage life. Basically, the idea is all change is easy when you’re motivated and energized; it is difficult every other time. Since you will never see lasting changes in your personal life and your marriage until the changes you want to make are good and settled, it is an imperative you push past these downward times. This is where the plan comes into play, for the plan will give you the way and the incentives to keep moving forward.
Here is an example to explain what the plan is and how it is used:
I really desired to become a more disciplined man. I tired and tried with all my heart to wake up and 6 AM with no avail. I would be able to do it for a few days, but on those mornings I was supper tired, nothing could get me out of bed, or so I thought. Dedicated to change and in a time of desperation, I called a dear friend of mine up and said, ‘If I don’t wake up 4 days of the week at 6 AM, then I owe you $50.’
Guess what, it worked. The days would come when I was supper tired, but the idea of paying $50 for an few more hours of sleep seemed crazy to me, so I got up.
One week went by and then another. Weeks turned in to a months. I was so excited that I started coming up with new challenges for myself. I’ve never been able to workout before, so I called up my friend and said, ‘If I don’t work out 3 days of the week, then I owe you $50.’ Guess what, I’ve worked out more in my life. I don’t always want to, but I have a plan for those days. I’ve even combined the two together, so when I wake up, I go and work out. To birds with one stone kind of thing.
Now you don’t have to do what I did, but you need a plan that has a good incentive built into it. If you find yourself breaking your plan too much, then up the anti a bit.
The second thing you need to understand about personal and marital growth is: in those down times, you need to get even more radical. That’s right. The best way to defeat a lacking motivation is by facing it head on. Don’t sit and wait for the ‘feelings’ to go way (they normally don’t). Change the feelings by doing the opposite of what those feelings are telling you to do. Remember, you want a better life and marriage. This is going to take time and effort. Now is not the time for timidity. Take courage and push yourself.
Here is what I mean. I resolved the other week to be more industrious. This means I did not want to waste any time in useless tasks that neither benefits my family, neighbor, or myself. (Now don’t miss understand me, one of those tasks is to take a day of rest and enjoy a pint with a friend. So I am not trying to become a work alcoholic). Being a rather slothful man, I knew this was going to be tough.
The day came when I was not motivated at all. Mindlessly suffering the Internet sounded lovely, but I remember my resolution. I jumped out of my chair and ran down into the garage and began to organize my toolbox. This was hard (not physically but psychologically) and not fun at all, but I pushed myself to finish it. Still feeling the laziness inside me, I set myself on a new task, I started organizing and cleaning the whole garage. The next thing I know the whole thing was clean, organized, and my wife is beaming with delight. Feeling confident and now motivated, I immediately went upstairs and started cleaning the kitchen and putting the laundry away. My wife said, ‘Wow, what has gotten into you,’ to which I replied, ‘I don’t want to suck anymore.’ She was quite pleased.
That is how you do it.
The third thing you need to understand about personal and marital growth is: slow and steady wins the race. Remember the story of The Tortoise and the Hare? The basic moral of the story is keep chugging alone no matter how slow it seems you are going. You might see others improve really fast, but don’t be deceived they might be the hare. In your marriage, allow time for each of you to grow.
My wife has waited many years for me to finally be motivated to be a ‘clean gentlemen.’ I have never liked showers, I grow a beard because I hate shaving, and I have always dressed like a baboon. But slowly, over time, my own moral principles convicted me that I need to be a proper gentleman and care about how I smell, look, and appear to her. I have always known what she likes, but I have always struggled to put that into practice. But slowly over time, the character trait of ‘cleanliness’ brewed in my soul.
I first began to not wear such baggy cloths, and then I left behind my ‘skater shoes’ and started wearing dress shoes. I slowly started replacing old T-shirts with collared shirts and picked up few nice sweaters. Now I am trying to integrate dress pants, ties, and sports jackets into my daily dressing for fun and as money presents itself, which is not often. Furthermore, my wife (not to mention my mother) is happy to see that I am keeping up with daily hygiene.
Slowly I changed, but it took many years. My wife was patient though. Not wanting a hare experience, she would rather me slowly change for good, then change for a month.
In the end, you might not need another book or read another blog. What you need is to keep pushing forward. I could give many more suggestions on how to keep moving forward, but this will suffice for now. Make a plan, push past those down times by getting radical, and always remember slow and steady will win the race.
Has it every occurred to any of you that what is extremely beneficial for your marriage is your desire for self-improvement?
Gentlemen, can your wife come home and feel truly blessed because she knows deep within your heart that you are striving to be the best husband, father, employer/employee, and citizen you can be? Does she see you take on new tasks to better yourself? Has she ever seen you challenge the way you think about an issue because the opposite view might be more rational? Has she ever seen you actual complete a goal you set?
Gentlemen, does she feel like a lady around you or a tramp? Does she feel served and revered by you? Can she truly say it is an honor to be your wife? Can she boast to all her friends about how awesome you are? Can she boast that she came home the other day to a clean and well-ordered house? Can she boast that she never feels like a sexual object but always as a person who is deeply loved? Can she boast that you are always the first to get up in the night when the kids are crying? Can she look you in the eye and say, ‘I am a better person because I married you’?
If not, why? What is holding you back?
Gentlemen, how have you challenged yourself lately? What negative character traits are you trying to rid yourself of? What new character quality/ies are you undertaking? What new talents are you trying to cultivate?
Don’t you realize that your wife longs to see you improve? Don’t you realize your wife longs to boast about you? Don’t you realize that as your personal qualities are perfected the relationships around you improve? Why has this not occurred to you?
Stop complaining and get to work. Stop making excuses. Stop blaming your dad for all your personality blunders. No one likes a whiner—especially your wife.
Improve, Improve, Improve!
This should be your mantra.
Do you think you are a loving man? Find ways to love even more. Do you think you are generous? Find ways to give more. Do you think you are a good lover? Strive to become even more selfless.
Give, Give, Give!
This should be your mentality.
Don’t you realize that your wife grows tired of pandering to all your vices? Don’t you realize that your wife longs to be seen as a rare jewel?
Don’t let the feminist culture deceive you, most women still long to see their men practice chivalry. I don’t imagine the majority of the audience watching Prince William and Miss Catherine getting married at 4 A.M. were men. The dream is still out there: many women still want to be swept of their feet by a prince. Be that prince (I don’t care how cheesy that sounds—its true).
Man up and learn some manors. Open the door for your lady, take her on a date, and buy her that new dress or item she has been eyeing for months. Stop staring at her breast and butt and look her in the face. Stop taking your sexual fantasies out on her by imposing embarrassing requests on her. Make her your fantasy.
Stop being lazy and learn how to clean a bathroom. Stop making your wife do all the house work. Go workout and look fit for your wife. Eat better and stop drinking so much. Life is not that bad. Learn to control yourself.
Put the computer down and go hangout with your kids. They want to be with you. Teach your son how to be a man. Take your daughter on a date and teach her what a true gentlemen is. Be such a good father that she has a difficult time finding a man to marry. Stop putting this off; soon they will be gone and you will have missed your opportunity. No excuses!
Gentlemen, it is time to be a man. It is time you think about whatever is noble, true, and beautiful. Stop letting your mind run in the gutter. Put off moral filth and the lust of the eye. Learn to control your sexual passion so you can truly give yourself to your spouse. There is nothing like sex when your desire is to completely give yourself to her and not to merely get rid of sexual tension. The latter reduces your wife to an object and a stripper; the former elevates her to the most cherished person on the earth. Let your bedroom than be the Prince’s chamber where your wife feels like a Princess and not a mistress.
Gentlemen, it is time to raise your wife’s expectations of what a husband should be. Make sure, that if you died, she would have to marry a saint to feel like she is truly loved.