Reconsidering Sexuality: Why Many Are Still Not Getting It

by | Jan 13, 2013

(NOTE: I highly recommend listening to the 7 minute Podcast)


Recently, a man said to me that if he and his wife were making love under the stars on a beach, he’d be faking it. He’d be faking it because that’s not what gets him off. What gets him off is playing it rough. He wants dirty sex. Exciting sex. Not romantic sex.

My friends, this is why this guys sex life will always suck. He is too focused on himself and what he can get out of it.

Sex is not solely about you. Let me say that again. Sex is not solely about you.

Sex by its design is other directed. It is about both of you giving yourselves to the other. Sex brings unity were there was once disunity. Sex unities two into one flesh.

Sex is fun, but the “funness” is really secondary to the unity that it brings.

When sex is directed at the other, there’s no need to fake it. This is what that guy didn’t understand. The other is the one that excites you. Your husband or your wife is what is erotic.

Not the occasion, not the circumstances, not what he or she can do for you . .  the person!

Pillows, sheets, candles, lighting, how a person is dressed, and so on are completely secondary to the encounter with the other. We have to get this through our heads; otherwise, we will not flourish in our sexuality.

Too many of us have trained ourselves to need all this other stuff to enjoy sex. But it’s just not needed. Surprisingly, if you focus all your energy on really loving and pleasing your spouse, you will find, in due time, the less you will need to send you into orbit.

And we are all about simplicity these days. Why are we trying to complicate things. Let’s uncomplicate things.

An Objection

Now I have been accused of advocating an estrogen focused sexuality. That is, a sexuality that is geared towards simply pleasing the woman and not the man. I am told that my view lacks “excitement and testosterone.”

I think, though, it all depends on what we mean by excitement.

Let’s not fool ourselves. We have known for quite sometime that what we find excitement in can be trained. The virtuous have trained themselves to be excited by the really good, whereas the vicious have trained themselves to be excited by evil—that is apparent goods.

I, personally, am training myself to only be excited by my wife. What can I say, she excites me. I love the way she looks. I love her personality. I love her gentleness, her virtue, and her dedication. I love her sacrificial sprit. Her willingness to give and a host of other qualities she possesses.

I don’t’ ever have to “fake it” because what I want and desire is just the person who wants and desires me.

The Way Forward

Has it always been this way. Of course not. We are going on our 10th year of marriage and it has taken a while for us to fully appreciate the deeper meanings of sexuality.

But it all begins with choices. Over time, these chooses my wife and I have made have built a chamber where my wife and I can enter. Be it on the beach or somewhere else. It needn’t matter, because what excites us is each other.

What all of these choices have in common is this: we try to never treat each other as a mere means to an end. If I, for example, do treat her as a mere means, then I am reducing my wife to an object of my sexuality.

What this means is I try to never pursue my wife in a lustful fashion. Yes . . . that’s right. A husband or a wife can lustfully pursue their spouse. This occurs when you seek sexuality simply for yourself.  In and out with no regards for the other.

No wonder so many spouses feel like they are being used.

How To Ruin Your Sex Life

True and lasting intimacy is not found in you selfishly seeking the big “O”. Orgasms are wonderful and great. I highly recommend them to those who are married. But don’t confuse the fruit of sex with the substance of sex.

In fact, the best way to ruin your sex life is focusing on orgasm because it turns you inward rather than outward.

And like I said, sex is always outwardly driven.

No Satisfaction

This is a radically differently way to view sexuality. Our culture has warped many of our minds. Unfortunately, many of us have trained ourselves to be excited by the unexciting. And we will reap what we sow.

There’s a reason why the guy faking it could never find satisfaction. There’s a reason he is bored and lonely and despises his wife and women as a whole. He has trained himself to be excited by self-absorption. His soul is crying out for communion but he has forgotten how to communicate. He doesn’t see a person to cherish, protect, and love; he sees an object to use, exploit, and despise.

Which Path?

The question that you must ask yourself  is which path are you training yourself for. I hope you choose the path that leads to a selfless love, for it is truly satisfying.


You might be interested in my The Ecology Of Sexual Spiciness

Brandon Wall

Brandon Wall

Brandon Wall, LMFT is passionate about helping individuals and couples experience lasting change. He is described by his clients as having the ability to be a straightforward counselor while also being fully compassionate, down to earth, and working at the client’s pace. He has an innate ability to grasp the larger patterns that cause many individuals and couples from reaching their fully potential. Learn more about how Brandon can help you.

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