Morality and Chaos

by | Jul 31, 2009

Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. Proverbs 30:5

By now, if you’ve read any of these “blogs”, you know that I am a Christian.  That can make a few people uncomfortable.  But look, I’m not going to sit and tell you you are going to hell.  You are hiring me for a service.  You’ve got a problem.  You want some answers.  If I was a car repair shop and you came in with pile of junk I might say,

Ah, you might consider a new car.

and you might concur, but you want me to fix Ol’ Bessy, so that’s what I’m going to do.  You are hiring me for a specific job.

Certainly, if you want to talk about the meaning of life, I’d be happy to share with you what my meaning of life is.  But most people are in an immediate quandary and are wanting a way out of the mess they are in.  Believe me, if your wife is having  an affair, you are going to be glad that I have some moral bearings and I’m not going to say that that is fine that she is having an affair and it’s a free society and she can do whatever she wants and you need to get a life and quit letting other people’s decisions affect you so negatively.  You are going to find a supportive ear from me and I will point blank say that affairs are a very sad deal and if you want to ruin your life the quickest way possible, it’s one of the surest ways.  And if you are having an affair I won’t quote the Bible to you about it much, except to say,

Ah, you reap what you sow.

which is a Bible verse, but I’m not going to make a big deal out of it, because it’s pretty intuitive and the point I am making is that if you do certain things you get certain results and if you do other things you get other results and there are consequences to your behavior, for good or ill, even if your mommy never taught you that when you were two and you got your way all the time and you’ve been getting your way ever since and you can do whatever you want and look at you, you can have an affair, but don’t expect too much sympathy from me when your spouse isn’t thrilled about you getting your way on that deal.

People come to therapy when there is chaos in their lives.  Certainly, some chaos is outside our control: like a child dying or a debilitating disease, or a handicapped child, or the death of a spouse or a house burning down or being the victim of a crime or the witness of a tragic accident.  That’s tough stuff and it plays with your brain and your emotions go bonkers and talking to a counselor dude to get your bearings isn’t a bad idea.  For some reason, though, most of my clients come to see me because of the poor choices they made or their loved one’s made and or they both did together and now there is chaos in their lives.

Most of the chaos from poor choices in family life that I see has to do with sexuality.  Now our verse above says that God’s word is flawless and that He is a shield around those who take refuge in Him, and I take it to mean that the shield part is due to believing, for example, that when God said,

You shall not commit adultery,

that He wasn’t trying to be a fuddy-duddy to take all your fun away, but he said it in order to keep you from experiencing chaos in your life.   So, in the middle of your affair, you come to see me, because all of a sudden your life is one big mess, but you love your affairee and you’ve never experienced this type of love and you didn’t realize what a sexual being you were and you’ve finally discovered, that yes, indeed, you have feelings, and that there is someone out there who actually loves you and accepts you and you are attractive after all, that I’m not going to say,

You go, girl!

or guy, as the case may be.   No, I’m going to ask you,

So how’s your husband take that you are finding love in someone else’s arms?

And you say your husband is such a control freak and he ranting and raving, and you can’t get away from him fast enough, and he’s snooping and going through your cell phone and email accounts and calling you all the time and acting very insecure and scared and mostly like a crazy person, and you’ve never seen him like this, but now you are considering leaving him, because you can’t go on living like this, if you tell me all of this, I’m not going to say,

You poor thing.

I’ll probably ask about how your kids are responding to the new man in your life or if I don’t ask, you will probably tell me anyway, that they literally hate your affairee nor are they talking to you anymore and you moved out, so you could be free of your control freak husband, and now the kids don’t want to come see you in your tiny apartment, so you take them out to supper, but no one says anything and they certainly don’t ask about what’s-his-name, and you can bet they won’t want to have anything to do with him for years to come, and they will have a hard time dealing with you, too, and if they are teenagers all of a sudden sexual temptation will be easier to succumb to, even though they don’t want to end up a floozy like mom, but if she can’t respect her body or her marriage or her husband or herself or them enough to keep a lid on feelings that go against her family, why should they?  And now the school principal is calling you because your daughter, Sally, was making out with a boy at school, and you can’t believe it, and then your husband tells you he wants out altogether or you discover he’s having an affair now, too, and all of a sudden your little trip to Neverland doesn’t look so great after all, and you drag your husband to therapy and both of you say you are wanting to work on the marriage now and you are willing to stop your affairs, so then, I might say, ever so gently,

Ah, we could probably use a little morality here.

I might.  But I probably won’t have to.

Dr. Bing Wall

Dr. Bing Wall

Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa. To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.

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