he quote below is left over from my dissertation back in my Ph.D. studies at Iowa State in the 1990’s! YIKES! In any case, the section is from an actual interview with one of the subjects. He and his wife’s name changed, of course. He’s rather candid in his point of view about marriage therapists, but his rawness gets at some of the frustration other clients who seek marital therapy feel. Frank presents two contrasting styles he experienced. He’d hoped, instead, he could find a therapist in the middle. We seek to take the middle ground (listening carefully, giving feedback and gentle guidance when necessary and desired), but he does a great job exposing the facade of both extremes.
Originally written and compiled by Dr. Bing Wall, May 20, 1999:
In our efforts to understand our client’s world view, we may, in the process, error on the side of not having one of our own. In one of the interviews I did for my dissertation, Frank commented on the two extremes he saw from professionals when he and his wife sought help during their own struggles. They ended up separating, divorcing and remarrying. Frank was married to Shelly 18 years total. Unfortunately, she died a year before this follow-up interview, which was four years after the first interview:
Frank: On the one side you go to marriage counselors who seem to take a totally morally neutral stance toward marriage and loyalty and commitment to that marriage. And then on the other hand you go to this pastor that I went to who seemed to think that if you weren’t just some sort of single minded moron that you were a moral failure and a sinner in God’s eyes. And I really wanted to flip the guy off, I really did. He was a man of God and a pastor, but I thought he was the biggest jerk I had ever seen in my life. He starts quoting Bible passages and I think, “What an idiot.”
And then I go to this other character, a marriage counselor, who seemed to think, “Wow, whatever makes you happy. Whatever turns you on” was his attitude. “Wow, if you think you ought to stay together, that’s cool. If you think you want to see other people and be married, hey, far out,” you know, it was like George Carlin was our marriage counselor. “Do you have a point of view or what in the hell am I paying you sixty-five dollars an hour for?”
I would have liked to have seen somebody in the middle who would have said, “this is how I feel,” or “this is how I see it.”
Again, who knows where it came from? In any case, it’s not only cute, but profound. We all should have a list like this!
Sheila’s List
Sheila and I just celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Somebody asked her, what was our secret?
She answered, “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of Tim’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would always overlook. I figured I could live with at least ten!”
When she was asked which faults she had listed, Sheila replied, “I never did get around to listing them. Instead, every time he does something that makes me mad, I simply say to myself, ‘O, lucky for him, it’s one of the ten!’”
“Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” (Tom,5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest, of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlan, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)
“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough” (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)
SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo,9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are…on fire.” (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)
“It might help to watch soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…That’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)
“Don’t forget your wife’s name…That will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” (Randy, 8)
I’m sorry I can’t tell you more than that and give credit where credit is due. When people are considering divorce they often say arrogant things like “The kids will be fine.” This is insulting to the children on the one hand and total self-absorbed on the part of the person saying it. Children go from the security of one home to being totally insecure with nowhere to call home. They no sooner get settled and then they have to move again. This gets old very quickly. Look at it through her eyes….
